Tag Archives: Mythology

Mythology Newspaper: Editorials and Interview

Five classmates and I are doing a mock newspaper summarizing what we’ve learned in Mythology so far. I’m the editor, so I’m writing the editorials and letters to the editor, as well as doing the interview. Unless some of my readers want to write letters to the editor. ^_^ *hinthint*


Creation: Fact or Fiction?

By Editor Nicholas Kleimeier

We all know the story the bards tell of creation.

‘In the beginning there was Chaos, and out of Chaos were born Gaia and Uranus, who married and gave birth to the Titans, led by Cronus. Gaia and Uranus warned Cronus that a son of his would one day overpower him. Cronus therefore swallowed his numerous children by his wife Rhea, to keep that forecast from taking place.

When Zeus, was born, Rhea offered a stone for to Cronus to swallow, allowing Gaia to spirit the baby Zeus away to be raised in Crete by nymphs. Zeus grew up, came home and sought to overthrow his father. Metis, Zeus’s first wife, found a way of administering an emetic to Cronus, who then threw up his five previous children, Hestia, Demeter, Hera, Hades, and Poseidon. The children, led by Zeus, vanquished Cronus forever into Tartarus’ domain, the Dark World under the Earth.

Zeus triumphed over his brothers and sisters as well, dividing up the universe as he fancied. He made himself Supreme God over all, creating a great and beautiful place for his favored gods to live, on Mount Olympus. Zeus made himself God of the Sky and all its phenomena, including the thunderbolts. Hestia became goddess of the Hearth. To his brother Poseidon, he gave the rule of the Sea. Demeter became a goddess of Fertility, Hera (before she married Zeus and became a jealous wife), was goddess of Marriage and Childbirth, while Hades, one of his other brothers, was made god of the Underworld.

He did not look kindly upon us, the people, those creatures that populated the lands over which he reigned. They were not immortal, as the Olympian gods were, and they complained about the lack of good food and the everlasting cold nights. Zeus ignored their complaints, while he and the other gods feasted endlessly on steaming hot game from the surrounding forests, and had great crackling fires in every room of their palaces where they lived in the cold winter.

Enter Prometheus, one of the Titans not vanquished in the war between Zeus and the giants. Prometheus had molded The Common Man from clay. He stole some of the sparks of a glowing fire from the Olympians, so that the people below Olympus could have fire for cooking and warmth in the winter, thus greatly improving their lot in life.

Zeus was furious at this insult to his power, and had the titan  chained to a mountain, sending an eagle to attack him daily. Zeus had his fellow Olympian, Hephaestus, fashion a wicked but beautiful creature to torment Prometheus. It was a woman, named Pandora, which means “all gifts”. She was given a beautiful box, which she was told not to open, but curiosity got the better of her, and out flew “all the evils that plague men.” The only “gift” that stayed in the box was “Hope”.’

Our scientists here in Athens have been disproving bits and pieces of this for some time now, and our sister periodical, “Popular Philosophy”, will be publishing an article next issue detailing how we have debunked this theory of creation.  Buy one at your local newsstand today. Personally, I never liked or believed this story. Incest and patricide and eternal torture, I mean, really. We are learned people, and should start acting like it.

The creation summary I got  from Encyclopedia Mythica and modified.


Mediterranean Monthly: So, Hades, thank you for joining us here today.

Hades: Don’t mention it. Not a lot to do in the Underworld. Listening to the screams of dead people gets old after a few centuries.

MM: Uh, right.  Anyway…  What’s your opinion on the Trojan War?  Who’s right?

H: *bitter laugh.* My opinion?  My opinion is that lots of death is a good thing.  The only person who has anything right is Eris.  There’s a girl who knows what she’s doing.

MM: What about the heroes who have already fallen?  What are you doing with them?

H: Most of them are in the better parts of the Underworld.  Pretentious though they are, they did do some heroic things.

MM: Thank you again, Hades, I think that’s all we have for you.  We now turn to our next guest, Ares.  Thank you for coming.

Ares: It was my duty to come!  Everyone must know what treacherous dogs the Greeks are!

MM: I… beg your pardon?

A: Athena has allowed a mortal to wound me! ME! The GOD OF WAR!

MM: Yes, I-

A: And furthermore! One of them pricked Aphrodite’s hand! That is simply outrageous!

MM: I see, now-

A: AND THEN!!! My father has the audacity to mock me! ME! The GOD OF WAR!

MM: If you’ll just-

A: And he SCOLDED us! Like we were CHILDREN!!

MM: *rubs my temples*

A: And as if that weren’t bad enough, now the Greeks are fleeing! FLEEING! Like dogs! They piled back into their ships and ran for home, leaving an offering behind to their clearly superior opponents!

MM: So you think the Trojans are superior, then?

A: OF COURSE! A slug is superior to a Greek dog!

MM: Right, right. Thank you for your time, Ares.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was Hades and Ares. Next month we’ll have interviews with Artemis and Apollo.


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Coming Soon

Sorry I’ve not been posting. School’s been busy. However, the results of that business (that’s busy-ness, not business like a job) should prove to be very cool.

I’ll be putting up a video of a few scenes from the Trojan War, enacted by my Mythology class and a few other people we roped in, and I’ll also put up the script, so you can see what I told the actors to do and how it actually came out.

I’m also designing a fan page for Thousand Foot Krutch for my Web Design class, and I might be able to let y’all see that, depending on how everything works. It will also have some information on the story that I’m planning/outlining/writing that was inspired by their album Phenomenon.

So, yeah. Stay tuned, wyrms.


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The Future of the Bookwyrm’s Den

Don’t worry, we’re not going anywhere. But I will be making a few changes.

Eventually, I’ll start making pages along the top with some of my series. Like, I’ll make a page that has all my Lezvie and Angela stuff to date, and a page that has my Original Author posts on it, stuff like that.

Also, I’m going to start putting some more videos up on my YouTube channel eventually, and will post them on here as well. The first to come will probably be a scene from the Iliad that my classmates and I are making for Mythology.

Stay tuned, wyrms.

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A Rewritten Greek Myth

This is the story of Theseus, set to sci-fi. It’s very rough. I might go back and make it better and longer later. For Mythology.



High Consul Aegeus, leader of the New Athenian Republic, desired a child, but was unable to conceive with his wife.  He went to Chief Geneticist Pittheus for assistance.  Pittheus discovered that there was nothing that could be done, but used DNA from Aegeus, altered in his genetics lab, to impregnate his own daughter, Aethra.  Aegeus took Aethra to a rural retreat, and left a box for the child under a rock, telling Aethra to send the child to New Athens with the contents when he was old enough.  And so Theseus was born…



The young man stood before the boulder, considering how best to move it.   According to his mother, his father had left something for him under it, and as soon as he can move the rock, he will be ready to learn his father’s identity and go join him.  However, the boulder had proven most intractable.  It would not be pushed, pulled, scooted, rolled, shifted, or even budged.  He had exhausted all his options.

All his physical options, at least.  Today, he stood before the rock with a small case under one arm.  He set it down, opened it, and pulled out a small metal disk.  With an easy toss, he got it on top of the rock and then stepped back.  A net of energy covered the rock, with a rope of the stuff hanging near him.  He took hold of it and pulled, letting the energy in the net do most of the work.  The rock rolled aside easily.

He reached into the newly revealed hollow and drew out the box it contained, his eyes gleaming with excitement.  With one fluid motion, he unfastened and threw off the lid, looking in awe at the regal items within: a pair of hoverboots, and a golden vibra-blade, with the crest of the Republic on its hilt.

“So, you finally moved it.”

Theseus turned to see his mother, Aethra, standing behind him.  “My father… is the High Consul Aegeus?”

Aethra nodded.  “Now that you have moved the stone, you are to go to him, in New Athens, to be received as his son.”

“His son…”  Theseus marveled at the blade in his hand.  “I will prove myself worthy to him before I even arrive.”


He turned towards the edge of the woods, looking in the direction of New Athens, too far away to be seen.  “The surface roads between here and New Athens have become the battlegrounds of unscrupulous gangs and petty opportunists.  If I forgo the elevated highways and travel the surface, I will show my father that I am worthy to be his son.”

His mother’s face darkened.  “Theseus, there’s no need for that.  Your father will accept you.”

“But I don’t just want his acceptance.  I want his love and respect.  If I am nobody, I won’t have that.”  A smile curled his lip.  “But with sword and hoverboots and genetics, I can make a name for myself.”

Aethra shook her head.  “You don’t need to do this.”

“I do, mother.”  Theseus hugged her tightly.  “I’ll be fine.  Better than fine: I’ll be a hero.”  He stepped off the side of the mountain, gliding to the surface on his hoverboots.

His mother sighed, looking after him.  “His rashness is going to get him into trouble one of these days.”


Theseus travelled rapidly over the rocky ground, his hoverboots allowing him to avoid the difficulty of actually navigating the rough terrain.  It took him less than an hour to find signs of life; more accurately, he found signs of death.  A village, destroyed, ruined almost beyond recognition, the embers of the fires still glowing.

“Not more than an hour.  I can catch them.”  He drew his sword, the energy blade humming to life.  With a grim smile, he followed the path of destruction, seeing the signs getting fresher and fresher.  Finally he saw the rear guard of the gang.

He descended on them like the fury of the gods.  His blade flew back and forth, slicing through their patchwork armor like wax.  Not a single bandit survived.

The same fate befell another dozen gangs and bandit groups over the next few days.  By the time Theseus reached the borders of the New Athenian Republic, his reputation had already reached the point of a local legend.  High Consul Aegeus heard the rumors of him, and, not knowing Theseus was his son, he feared that his popularity could lead the people to put Theseus in the position of High Consul.

He devised a plan.  A messenger met Theseus at the gates of New Athens.  “Greetings, Theseus.  The High Consul has heard of your prowess and would request a task of you.”

Theseus was eager to please his father.  “I am the Consul’s to command.”

“The High Consul wishes for a hero to hunt down a genetic experiment that has gone awry.  A bull, with the teeth and claws and ferocity of a lion, and some extra strength thrown in.  It went feral, and escaped into the hills.”

“Does he want it slain or captured?”

“No man could capture it.  Slay it.”

Theseus set off into the hills in pursuit of the beast.  Subduing it proved simple with the help of his blade and boots, and he rode it back to New Athens.  Medea, the wife of Aegeus, knew who Theseus was.  She had been genetically enhanced for telepathy, and picked the thought out of his brain.  Fearing (rightly so) that Theseus would replace her own son as the heir to the throne, she resolved to kill him before he could reveal to Aegeus who he was.

Medea gave Aegeus a vial of poison, telling him to kill the young man at his victory feast.  Aegeus, who still worried that Theseus would incite the people of New Athens against him, agreed to do so.  At the feast, a servant slipped the poison into Theseus’ goblet just as Aegeus proposed a toast.

“To the hero of New Athens, Theseus!”

“To Theseus!” the crowd echoed, drinking.  Just as Theseus raised the goblet to his lips, however, Aegeus noticed the hilt of the vibra-sword at Theseus’ belt, and recognized it.  He stretched out and struck the goblet from Theseus’ lips.

“Where did you come by that sword?” he demanded.

Theseus replied, “It was stowed under a rock by my father, so that when I was ready, I might be recognized by him when the time came.”

“My son…”  Aegeus embraced Theseus, and the crowd marveled.  When Aegeus released his son, he turned on Medea with a frightful scowl.  “You knew.  You tried to trick me into slaying my own son!  Begone from New Athens!  If ever you are seen within our borders again, you shall be executed.”

With Medea and her son banished, Aegeus set Theseus up in the palace, with a suite of rooms adjoining his own.  Once the young man had gotten settled in, Aegeus called a meeting of the council, inviting Theseus to it.  When they had all assembled, Aegeus explained why it had been called.

“New Athens narrowly avoided a war a few years ago,” he said, “and not without cost.  New Crete has required us to send seven young men and seven young women as an annual tribute.  The fourteen of them are sacrificed to a mutant creature in a vicious parody of an arena battle.”

Theseus scowled.  “When is the next tribute due?”

“Next week.”

“Then I will be one of the seven men, and I will slay this mutant.”

His father tried to talk him out of it, but to no avail.  When the older man finally gave in, Theseus said, “Don’t worry, my father.  When you see the transport returning under solar sail, you will know that I was successful.”

With that, Theseus prepared for the trip to New Crete.  When the transport set off from the New Athens skyport, he stood at the prow, looking forward, savoring the anticipation of the battle to come.

Upon arrival in New Crete, the fourteen Athenians were escorted to their holding rooms, where they were met by Princess Ariadne, daughter of the New Cretan King, Minos.  She explained to them how they would die, but halfway through her lecture, she noticed Theseus.

All the other Athenians had been lower class.  That meant no genetic enhancement.  Theseus was breathtakingly handsome, and Ariadne fell for him instantly.  When all the others had left, Ariadne held him back.  “You’re different from the others.  Why are you here?”

“I’ve come to slay the mutant that kills my countrymen.”

“You cannot!  The minotaur is invincible!”

Theseus drew the vibra-blade.  “I have skills and weapons beyond those of most.  I can slay it.”

She bit her lip.  “Even if you can slay it, you will not be able to escape the labyrinth.”  She drew a small device from her pocket.  “It’s dangerous to go alone.  Take this.  It will let you navigate the labyrinth.”

“Thank you.”  Theseus kissed her and then joined the other Athenians in the antechamber of the labyrinth.

The gate opened and Theseus checked the device.

In three hundred feet, turn left.

He followed the device’s directions, eventually reaching the center, where the minotaur lay on a pile of bones, snoring.  Theseus crept close, but before he could strike, a bone snapped under his foot and the minotaur awoke.  With a bellow, it charged him, but Theseus flew up with his hoverboots and sliced its head off with the vibra-blade.

He carried the heavy, stinking, dripping head back to the Athenians, who all cheered and applauded.  The victorious group, now including Ariadne, boarded the transport and sailed for New Athens.  Night fell on the journey and they were forced to dock at a small island, since the night was stormy and none of them were expert sailors.

While they waited, they partied, and they all got drunk.  As soon as the storm broke, Theseus gathered the Athenians and got back on board the ship and set off, leaving Ariadne behind.  Theseus, heady with his victory and the wine, forgot to switch from standard propulsion to his solar sails, and Aegeus, thinking that his son had perished, threw himself into the sea.

Theseus was appointed High Consul in his father’s place and ruled mostly happily for some time.


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Parody of Weird Al’s ‘Amish Paradise’, Greek Mythology Version

So, yeah. For Mythology, we had to write a rap about one of the myths about Athena and/or Poseidon.  I chose to do the myth of Arachne and set it to the tune of ‘Amish Paradise.’  I’m aware ‘Amish Paradise’ is itself a parody, but he changed the music slightly and so my parody is of his song, not the song he parodied.


‘Spider’s Paradise’

To the tune of ‘Amish Paradise’ by Weird Al

There’s a girl named Arachne, and you better believe/

Just take a look at her work and you can see that she can weave!/

And that’s just perfect for the young Arachne,/

Because her dad dyed sheep’s wool to make it more pretty./


“Well, Athena must have taught her,” the people said,/

Arachne denied it, said “It’s all from my head./

“Athena can’t teach me a thing, you see,/

“Because she’s not the best, no, that would be me.”/


Now Athena heard and she wouldn’t let it stand,/

So disguised as an old woman she cooked up a plan./

She went up to young Arachne and she said. “You best beware,/

“You’re bound to displease Athena if you keep putting on airs.”/



We’ve been spending most our lives, living in a spider’s paradise./

Ate beetles once or twice, living in a spider’s paradise./

It’s hard work and sacrifice, living in a spider’s paradise./

We sell quilts at discount price, living in a spider’s paradise./


Arachne said “Athena doesn’t have me beat,/

“If she doesn’t like my words, then my challenge she’ll meet!”/

So Athena straightened up and cast off her disguise,/

And the radiant goddess was revealed to all eyes./


So the contest it began, and both ladies’ work was amazing,/

But while Arachne was fast, Athena was simply blazing./

When the contest was done, Arachne still was haughty,/

But everyone could see she was just being naughty./


Both of them got mad, but Athena’s a goddess,/

They got into a catfight, and it was just no contest./

Athena slapped Arachne and she began to change,/

Her features and her limbs got all rearranged./


Her hair got short and spread over her, she grew some extra legs,/

And instead of having babies, she now has to lay eggs./



We’ve been spending most our lives, living in a spider’s paradise./

We’re just plain and simple guys, living in a spider’s paradise./

No time for pride and vice, living in a spider’s paradise./

We don’t fight, we all play nice, living in a spider’s paradise./


The moral of the story, is very plain to see:/

If you piss off a goddess, you’ll be like Arachne!/

Arachne thought she was best, but Athena taught her better,/

She said “You vain and foolish girl, go and spin forever!”/


So now it’s true a spider is the form of Arachne,/

And that is why ‘arachnid’s how they’re known to you and me./

So don’t be vain, and don’t be whiney!/

Or else, my brother, Athena might get medieval on your hiney!



We’ve been spending our lives, living in a spider’s paradise./

We’re all crazy Hellenites, living in a spider’s paradise./

No cops or traffic lights, living in a spider’s paradise./

But you’d probably think it bites, living in a spider’s paradise./

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